March 25: Tolkien Reading Day

I have strong feelings about J.R.R. Tolkien. None of them are positive unfortunately.

What a cool lookin’ nerrrddd

I’ve never been much for fantasy, I prefer sci-fi. I remember my dad trying to get me to watch The Lord of The Rings and I told him that “I don’t care about watching a movie where a bunch of dudes walk a lot to get rid of a ring.”

Then, for some reason, I decided to take an entire course dedicated to the writings of Tolkien. All of it.

DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH THIS ASSHOLE HAS WRITTEN???

I do not mean to imply that he has published countless books. I mean that every book he has written (with the exception of The Hobbit which, at 300 or so pages, is quite readable) feels long and dense. The Silmarillion, according to Wikipedia, is 365 pages. While reading it, I could have sworn it was 600. The premise (an in-depth history of the LOTR universe) seems interesting. Then you read it. Then you start wondering if you could drop out of school and become a famous rock star because you’re going to fail this class and you don’t care.

“Only diehard fans would love this??? Let’s make a bunch of second years who took this class as an excuse to watch the movies read this mwuahhhahah!!!!!!111!!!”

Also my professor, a man who once came down with “the orc flu,” spent the ENTIRE semester calling him “Tolkeeen.”

Tolkeeeeeeeeen.

Ugh.

Once a dude who was CLEARLY way too into LOTR came early to class and wrote something on the board in Elvish. He walked away all smug cause clearly all the ladies will want a piece of him now.

He did not look like this.

Then my professor showed up, looked at the board AND FIXED A GRAMMATICAL ERROR. HE EDITED ELVISH.

That’s when I knew I would never fit in.

This is Elvish for “I quit and I’m done.” (Or maybe the lyrics to “Wannabe” by Spice Girls?)

Also my friend wrote an essay drunk in that class (got a C) and I wrote an essay where I didn’t follow any of the guidelines (got a B+.)